I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
