I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
