I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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