I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
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