You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
