my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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