So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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