I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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