mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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