When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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