i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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