I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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