I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
