You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
