My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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