I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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