I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Randomize
