I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
