Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
