from now on my penis is your penis
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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