sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
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I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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