So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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