I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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