I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
