6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Life is so much better after having sex.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
