Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
