I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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