I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
