I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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