why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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