I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
