The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
