Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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