I have demons in me.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
