WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just gargled with NyQuil
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
