if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
