You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
