The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
