He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
