remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
