I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
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