No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
