Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
