I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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