Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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