i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Randomize
