I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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