she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
