I bet he comes in French.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
