the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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