There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
