Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
