Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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