She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
