i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
