she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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