She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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