I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You left your phone here
Wait...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
